Height Dysphoria Is The Latest Affliction for American Teens!
There is no demographic more oppressed than the American teen
A Public Service Announcement:
Height Dysphoria is a debilitating condition where one comes to the realization that they do not identify with the height they were assigned at birth. It’s another case of looks being deceiving. We may look at someone and jump to the conclusion that they are 5’2” when in reality they identify as 6’2”, or vice versa.
Don’t believe your lyin’ eyes!
Instead, ask politely!
Recently I discovered that I am also vertically fluid and only ask that you see me and hear me as I identify in the moment and be ready to pivot whenever my height fluctuates. Sometimes I’m as short as Peter Dinklage and then a moment later I can stand eye-to-eye with Shaquille O'Neal. On stressful days my height can change a hundred times.
Please respect my reality.
Height is a spectrum we are all on.
Experts estimate that about 0.00001% of the population suffers from bona fide Height Dysphoria. That’s a whopping 3,335 Americans! However, over 40 million teens have already jumped aboard in order to be seen as unique and interesting.
We now demand that the other 335 million citizens of this country change everything they believe about reality in order to accommodate us. All measuring of heights must cease immediately. This not only includes people but also inanimate objects such as buildings and flight altitudes. All references to inches, feet, miles, and millimeters, meters, and kilometers must be eliminated from the language.
We demand that HR departments add this latest cause to the ones they already push on employees.
Height Dysphoria victim rights are human rights!
Okay, the above is a riff on the magic satire and parody of Kyle Dunnigan and Kurt Metzger’s Male Feminists. NSFW! (Male Feminist Movie Reviews)
My Preferred Adjectives for Today Are:
Cromulent, effervescent, tactile
Likes are always appreciated.